From bad times.... To good times

Hi guys!

Sorry I have been absent in the world of blogging I was a little bit under the weather last week, had that nasty bug that everyone around here seems to be getting or had and then this week I have been busy with work has really knackered me out more than normal because I was unwell. Its all linked. WEIRD!

So back to today. Today I wanted to write a little post on what has been going on lately with me. Well I am telling now as I was officially signed off today. 

I have been going to counciling. I never wanted to share this information as I was not ashamed but it was just a personal thing I had to go through and it was tough enough going and talking so having no one else know made it better. I say no one knew but my close mates did.

I went through a tough time in the summer of last year as I lost one of my closest and best friends. I didn't cope very with it and it truly hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean I never lost anyone in my life and to be 24 and loose someone so close to you, how do you cope?!?

My way of getting through the days was working as many hours as I can possibly do and then crying myself to sleep. Not talking to anyone or if I did I would get angry and start shouting at people. But I never saw what I was doing at the time and how I was hurting myself and others around me. Luckily I have a good bunch of friends and family that understood and helped me through.

I would wake up in the morning have a massive panic attack

( which I never suffered with before) and panic more because I had no control and no idea what was happening to me. I would go to work stressed, tired and angry because I was just so sad and tired as I hardly slept. I didn't eat very much as everything I ate I felt like I was going to throw back up and I generally felt alone and sad. Things were never going to be the same again.

A part of me wanted to block all my memories and happy times out. I avoided a lot of mutual friends of Matt's just so I didn't have to talk about him because I didn't want to cry and I was SO mad that he had gone and left me in this cruel world. I stopped doing all the things that I loved and all the things we watch together stopped. I blocked everything and anyone that was associated to Matt.

So at this point I was at an all time low. I was classed as Depressed, had really bad aniexty and Panic attacks. It was time I went to see someone who can help and talk to and get all my anger out. It was the best thing I did.

1 hour once a week for the past 9 weeks has helped so much. I finally grieved for my friend. I finally spoke about everything and everyone. All my memories all the stuff we used to watch and talk about I spoke about them. My councilor didn't make me talk about them it just came out naturally like they did want to come out and be spoken but I was just avoiding it as I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I know this now, I HATE goodbye's and letting go of things.

But though this all I have learnt so much more about my self, things I never dreamed of doing and saying. I have become stronger than I have ever been and so much more determined in life than I was before.

As horrid as it may sounds but the death of Matt, made me the person he was always nagging me to be. Matt would always be telling me to just LET GO of things and don't care about certain things, Life is for living not to be shy'd away from it all. But it only now that I can see this! 

I have changed so much in 9 weeks and I am so much more happier now!

There is nothing to be ashamed about in having a any of the problems I have dealt with. So if you are reading this and feel like this please talk to some one. Go to a Doctor or someone close to you truth is they might have already seen the signs like my friends and family did. But YOU have to make the choice. Life is for living. So don't be sad! Make a change.

♥